Sexual Intimacy

Yes, this is a ‘taboo topic’, even between some couples. But should it be? It is important to understand what goes on in the body and mind during sex, as well as the general misconceptions. Sex is not only physical; it is also emotional and spiritual. Physical being for their satisfaction, pleasure and health; Emotional for their love, attachment and unity; Spiritual is not only for those who are religious, it is the meaning and purpose, a way for a couple to progress together. With physical, emotional, and spiritual together a couple can have Sexual Wholeness.

Men and women do not experience sex in the same way. Men are often aroused sooner than women, generally women do not even know when they are aroused. Without understanding this, a man may think his wife is not enjoying their time. A wise couple will openly communicate about what they prefer, and would learn more about sex by talking together. Spouses are not mind-readers, it is very important to talk about every aspect of marriage, including sexual intimacy.

When aroused there are extra hormones in the brain: adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine (and oxytocin in women). Normally women need to feel safety and security before they can be sexual, men are the opposite, and they feel safety and security through having sex. This is another reason why stereotypical men are very promiscuous and said to always have sex on their mind.

Men and women should understand these differences in order to know that sex is not a selfish activity; it is for your spouse. One very, very important thing to note is that sex does not need to be ‘practiced’ before marriage. As found in research, couples who wait until after marriage to have sex have better communication, quality, satisfaction, and stability in their marriage. This is a way to show each other they are willing to wait and save themselves for each other.

Pregnancy and Birth

There is a trend that the perceived happiness of each spouse declines after the birth of each child. There are ways to prevent this; most important of all is to continue dating at least each week even after being married. A couple should not think that although they are married and live together they do not need to date anymore. People change, and when a couple continues to date they change in a way that keeps them close, not draws them apart from each other. Dates can be very simple, such as talking alone to together while having dinner or a snack at home. Dating tends to decline or stop during pregnancy or while having young children, a couple should be aware of this so they do not miss out on too many dates together.

 

During pregnancy the husband should be very involved with what is going on in the wife’s body and emotions. She should share her experiences (the baby kicked! or something else she feels). The appointments should be scheduled at a time the husband can go with his wife, especially so he can see the baby in the ultrasound. The husband and wife should go baby shopping together, as oppose to the wife going with her friends.

During the birth of the baby the husband should take precedence over the wife’s mother. Although some make the birth a special experience between grandmother, daughter, and grandchild; it should be father, mother, and their new baby. Some hospitals have noticed that this happens and will hand the baby first to the husband, then for him to bring the baby to his wife, and then together show their extended family.

Transitions after Marriage

Once marrying, a couple has the transitions of living together. These include sharing a bed and bathroom; spending holidays with which family; desired sleep patterns. Some of these might seem odd to think that they can cause tension, but at the same time they can bring a couple closer. Here are some examples I’ve heard:

 

One spouse desires to stay up later, the other desires to spend time falling asleep together.

One spouse desires to cuddle; the other does not, which makes them feel un-loved by their spouse.

The wife takes a long time to get ready in the morning; the husband gets frustrated by this.

One spouse is very careless and messy, the other clean and orderly.

 

And holidays with families is something that always causes some disagreement, couples need to work out a plan together with each taking consideration of their own feelings as well as of their spouse and in-laws. Couples should understand that they should now cleave to each other, and not to their parents. They are no longer children, they are married adults.

Transitions into Marriage

So before I start the next couple posts I should probably mention that I’m not married and do not have first-hand experience, this is information from my Family Relations class.

The engagement is a very important part of the couple forming into a strong, single family unit. This is the reason for the traditional and formal way of a groom asking for a blessing from the bride’s father. This is a way of strengthening the father/ son-in-law relationship as well as showing respect. The couple then begins to commit to each other and establish boundaries aside from their parents. There is a common risk of a couple ‘sliding’ into marriage. This means there is no significant transition into engagement, it is not a planned, and it is unknown if both individuals are ready or genuine about marrying.

Important Questions While Dating

There are important questions to ask while still dating before the couple has made the commitment to marry. Here are a few ideas of questions to ask each other:

What will be the division of labor in the home? Who will do cooking, cleaning, washing, repairs, and so on?

Will you have children; if so, how many and when?

If you have children how will you divide the child care responsibilities? What kind of discipline will you use?

What will you do about housing? Will the decision be made in light of the husband’s career, the wife’s career, or both?

Who will be the primary breadwinner? How will financial decisions be made and who will be responsible for paying bills?

What will be your relationships with in-laws? Will you spend part or all of your vacation time with parents or relatives?

How much of your leisure will you spend together and how much separately?